Allan:	"Hey, you're wearing a chime shirt so I can bug you"
me:	"Really?"
Allan:	"Yeah! Hey can you disconnect this user for me?"
me:	"No."
Allan:	"Yes you can. I've got authorisation to get it done"
me:	"No, I can't."
Allan:	"I've got authorisation from Sean to get it done. So please do it"
me:	"But I can't do it. Besides, have you lodged it as a fault?"
Allan:	"No, but I've got autho.."
me:	"No, Sean can't do that."
Allan:	"But he has. So can you do it or no?"
geez, the learning curve on these people is do flat you can go bowling on it
me:	"No, I can't. I don't have access to those systems. You need to speak to either the networks team, or ITS. And even then, you will need to lodge it as a fault."
Allan:	"But you're Chime! You can deal with it!"
me:	"No, I'm in Chime Services. You want Chime Networks or ITS."
Allan:	"So who in networks do I need to speak to?"
me:	"I don't know. But regardless, you will need to lodge a fault. That's the procedure. You have to follow procedure."
Allan:	"But I've got authorisation to get this done now!"
me:	"Sean can authorise anything he wants, but he works in Retail. He doesn't have the authority to change our procedures over here in Chime. The procedure in Chime, which you guys have to follow, is that you lodge a fault."
Allan:	"But I need this guy disconnected like NOW!"
me:	"Yes, and if you lodge a fault, it will get done. very quickly."
Allan:	"But when? I need it done like now!"
me:	"Like as soon as they've got it. That's why we have these procedures"
Allan:	"So if I lodge a fault, I can get this guy disconnected?"
me:	"Yes."
Allan:	"Like, straight away?"
me:	"Yes."
Allan:	"In 5 minutes?"
me:	"Yes."
Allan:	"Okay. I'll lodge a fault. I reckon it sucks how you can't do it."
me:	"Go lodge that fault."
Wow, that was hard. But wait, there's more!
James:	"Hey Chris, do you know how to disconnect adsl accounts?"
me:	"Is that regarding <insert username here>?"
James:	"Yes."
me:	"Do any of your systems deal with disconnecting accounts?"
James:	"I suppose so. I don't really know"
I should point out that this is okay, he's new, so doesn't know much about the systems about the place.
me:	"Okay, I suggest you find out. If you don't, then get them to lodge the fault with the Chime Networks people"
James:	"Okay. Thanks"
>later<
phone:	*beeeeeep* *beep* *beep* *beeeeep* *beeeeeeeeeeeeep* *beepbeep*
>smack<
>reads phone<
phone:	"Jason, iiNet, need to disconnect <insert username here>"
>thud<
>dials up numbers<
me:	"Jason? Chris here. Got your fault."
Jason:	"Hi Chris. cool, can you do it?"
me:	"No. This needs to be lodged with Chime Networks or ITS. Chime Services does not deal with any of these systems."
Jason:	"But I got told to lodge it with Chime"
me:	"That's nice, but there's two Chime teams. Can you please make sure that it gets lodged with the correct team? Or even department?
Jason:	"Um, okay."
me:	"Good. Bye."
>*thud*<

waaaaaaaaaah!

My boss read this and the one for today, and suggested that I go on a killing spree. To me, this isn't a good sign.

Fuck, I hate retail stores.

me:	"Hi, your webpage has a Geforce 3 Ti200 for <insert amount here>. Do you have any in stock?"
storemoron:	"Hang on... Geforce 3 Ti200?"
me:	"yep"
storemoron:	"Okay, gimme a tick, and I'll double check"
>noo ni noo ni noo<
storemoron:	"Yep, got some in stock"
me:	"Cool. They're $269, right?"
storemoron:	"Yep. Did you want to come pick it up?"
me:	"Definately. I'll be there in 20. Is that okay?"
storemoron:	"Sure, see you then!"
me:	"Yay!"
One quick drive in the car later...
me:	"Hi, I called up a half hour ago regarding a graphics card that you said you had in stock. A geforce 3 ti200?"
storemoron2:	"Sure, hang on, I'll see if we've got any in stock"
me:	"Well I called 20 minutes ago and you said you did"
storemoron2:	"Well, I have to find it in the thing anyway, so..."
>waiting between lots of scrolling up and down through the list<
storemoron2:	"We don't have any in stock. You sure you called up? Who'd you speak to?"
me:	"I didn't get their name. They said there was definately some in stock though"
>waits while storemoron2 goes asking everyone if they've actually got the card, or if they took the call, even the people out the back<
storemoron2:	"We don't carry that card"
me:	"Wtf? it's on your bloody website. Check it out. And someone here said you had them in stock!"
storemoron2:	"No it's not on our site. You must have got the wrong people"
me:	"Er, no. Your site. Your phone number. This address. Check it."
storemoron2:	"No, I'm pretty sure we don't stock it. I'll check anyway."
me:	"Do so"
storemoron2:	"Hmm, okay, it's on here, but we don't stock it."
me:	"Then why did your person say that you had it in stock when I asked?"
storemoron2:	"How about a <insert card here>?"
me:	"Will it work with a <insert my mobo here>?"
storemoron2:	"No, it'll fry your mobo."
me:	"Thanks. bye"
>walks out shaking head<

I am the anathema of your Internet experience. I am that which you fear when you log on, and that which you curse when your session ends. I am that which you tremble in fear of when you read your smut pages, worrying that the logs will somehow be emailed to your significant other (if you're not so ineptly unsociable that you haven't scared any one away - including your own parents), or that somehow the "clear history" button failed to work and you've been caught "red handed", so to speak.

I am that which you curse when you go to sleep crying, having been caught masterbating in front of the computer, and accidently broadcasting it on the Internet from your webcam, for all the world to witness. It is me that you curse when you get no mail, thinking that the mail servers must all be dead, when it's only because you have no friends to email you, and even spammers think you're too lame to even bother spamming you. You already visit the porn sites they're peddling anyway.

I am that which you blame for your own ineptness, when you fdisk your own drive because someone on IRC told you that's how you get ops; when your session terminates because your phone line is so crap that it can't even carry voice, yet you insist on trying to get a 56k connection over it. I am that which you believe is the cause of all your problems. The instigator of fatal errors.

In truth, you fear me for all the wrong reasons. Your fear is misplaced, attempting to relocate the blame for your own stupidity in a futile attempt to retain some self worth, deluding yourself, fooling none but yourself.

Because I am he who holds the root password. You would be wise to fear me for the right reasons.

Did you know that if you go without sleep for long enough you get really really *really* shitty with people that prevent you from getting more sleep? Yeah, it's a little known fact that most insomniacs suffer from "sleep rage". This manifests itself through the foaming at the mouth, colourful language use, and excessive violence. These can be triggered at the sound of things like phones, alarm clocks, and when seeing things like the sun, well-slept in beds, and the like. Cures include unhealthy doses of valium, thick curtains, and lack of annoying house mates and cow-orkers.

God I need some sleep.

<really loud> *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* </really loud>
me:	wtf?
>reads phone<
Phone:	"Mark from iiNet, degraded service"
>dials the numbers< >bring< >bring< >bring< >bring< >bring< >bring<
ivr:	"Welcome to iinet blah blah blah"
>presses 9 for operator, thinking that little jingle in head< >bring< >bring< >bring< >bring< >bring< >bring<
pleb:	"Hi this is the operator, how can I direct your call?"
me:	"Hi, it's sugarboy, I work there. Can you put me through to Mark please?"
(You always have to specify that, otherwise they spend hours trying to look up your username. Even then...)
pleb:	"Which Mark is it?"
me:	"Dunno - they didn't leave their last name, or any sort of usefull details in the fault message either. Maybe Davies? He was in last night"
pleb:	"Nah, I can't seem to find that in the list"
>pause as I try to comprehend this, as it doesn't make sense< (I'd just woken up, remember?)
me:	"Whatever. Is there any cs-tech/floorwalker/etc around?"
pleb:	"I'm the only one here."
me:	"Shit, they left you on your own in the morning?"
pleb:	"Yeah"
me:	"Did anyone tell you about any faults that are outstanding at the moment, before they left? That someone would call you about?"
pleb:	"Um, no, not really..."
me:	"Hmmm, doesn't surprise me. Anyway, I don't suppose -"
pleb:	"Hang on, did you wanna speak to Mark?"
>pause<
me:	"That would be really good"
pleb:	"Just putting you through"
>on hold garbage<
pleb:	"hrm, that doesn't seem to work. lemme try again"
>on hold garbage<
pleb:	"Oh, he's speaking to chris (ed: another chris) about the fault at the moment looks like they're dealing with it you don't need to bother - "
me:	"Er, are you sure it's regarding this fault? Can you comfirm with Mark that the fault he lodged with me was the same one?"
pleb:	"Not Mark, Stephen."
me:	"What?"
pleb:	"Stephen."
me:	"Who's Stephen?"
pleb:	"Talking to Chris!"
me:	"What about Mark?"
pleb:	"Mark isn't here, so Stephen is dealing with this stuff."
>argh<
me:	"Okay, so can you put me through to Stephen please?"
pleb:	"No, 'coz he's talking to Chris. Can I get him to call you once he's done?"
me:	"No, I need to speak to him, because this is an active fault..."
pleb:	"Well..."
me:	"Fuckit. Whatever the fuck it is, it can wait 'till this afternoon"
>hang up< >tries to go back to sleep<
<really loud> *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* *BEEEEP* </really loud>
me:	>argh<